In several articles that I've read women found the most attractive quality they can find in a man is confidence. In this day and age many men lack in social confidence. There is a gap between being confident and being "cocky". A special lady friend of mine was telling me of an ex-boyfriend the other day who was a great guy, but she just wanted to get the heck away from him because he was too much of a push over,
In my experience I've watched a lot of men be assholes to women because somewhere along the line, they were taught that that is what women wanted. The thing is they really don't want that guy, they do want the nice guy, but they aren't attracted to them. The truth is so many nice guys have little confidence, they let them selves get taken advantage of, or they lack self-respect.
So you ask, how do I project this image of confidence, without being an asshole or fake? That is the question that I'm setting out to answer here. This isn't the easiest thing to do, and it really does take a conscious effort on your part, but it will be worth it as this could affect every part of your life.
The ability to command respect starts inside your mind. In order to have others respect you, you have to respect yourself. It really doesn't matter what you look like, or if you are the perfect weight, or how much money you make. When you close your eyes and shut out the rest of the world, how do you feel about yourself. Take a second and strip away all the titles that you have around you. If we based who we are on how others see us then we will never move forward. If you like what you see when you strip everything else away then move on to the next step otherwise figure out how to change whatever it is that is hindering you.
Liking yourself is so important, but so is being genuine. This is something you can not act out. If you aren't genuine, people will not respect you. So be who you are, this is actually something I've already talked about it is so important that you be you. Acts can become so ridiculous to watch and are often made fun of. Going back to what I said above, if there is something you don't like about yourself change it. Don't be a poser, be a man.
The hardest part for me when it comes to doing this is actually keeping my emotions in check. It is OK to be emotional, but don't go overboard with the outward display. If your emotional displays swing too far then you will not be respected as the person that you want to be. It is very hard to control the extreme emotions, especially when you are passionate about something. I have a bad habit of when something goes wrong I get mad, the tone of my voice goes up and I start on the attack. This is something that people will not respect. People respect those people who can show their feelings with out "freaking out". Throwing a tantrum will not get you anywhere.
Be respectful. When dealing with other people, consider their emotions and feelings. Measure everything that you say before it comes out of your mouth. Yet another issue I have, I often times let the filter go and say things that I later regret. The old adage goes, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." It goes a long way toward gaining respect from others. Human nature is to respect and like people who respect us. Measuring what you say is so important, in business, in relationships, and in life. Let your actions be your voice in times when there is nothing else to say.
If all your words and actions are negative, then people will dismiss you as a pessimist. So be happy, just a little thought for you to remember, you're still alive. That in itself is one thing that we can be happy about. As long as we draw breath then things can always get better. Try putting a smile on your face for no particular reason, it is good for your health. Laugh, in fact it has been proven that people who laugh a lot will live longer than those who don't. Spend each moment looking for the good in what you are doing and you can find happiness. This is something that you will hear much more on.
Finally, I am a firm believer that commanding respect is done best when you dress the part. Think of the people that you respect without ever talking to them. You see doctors in their lab coats, or soldiers in their uniform, business executives in their suits. I mention this because it is important to dress for success. If you are going out shopping you don't want to go out dressing like a slob. Dress like you have something important to do, that doesn't mean dress like you are going to an interview, but try leaving the sweat pants and tee shirts in the drawers and wear some clean blue jeans and a polo shirt. If you look like trash, people will not respect you like they would if they see you presenting yourself in a self-respecting fashion.
I'm not sitting here telling you this stuff to make you change your style, or to tell you how to live, but I can certainly tell you that these things are very true. I have experienced it and can say that when people really see the real you and you command respect, it is so much easier to go on to having the great life that you want. You'll find that people will look at you as if you are a big deal and that will help lead you to success.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Mix it up
I'm starting this post with a comment to anyone who took offense to my comment about the handful of happy pills...I wasn't speaking about people who have legitimate medical issues. The conversation was about those people who fall to their vices to be happy, alcoholics, drug users, etc.
One of the things I've learned, is that sometimes it is necessary to be a little more exciting in life. Don't fall to a daily grind, no matter how great it seems it will get you down sooner or later. It is necessary to move forward in life, doing the same thing day in and day out is being stagnate. When you are going through a difficult time emotionally it maybe necessary to grind it out for a while, but that isn't conducive to having a great life.
People are attracted to people who do things, if your routine is get up, go to work, come home, sit at the TV and have dinner, then go to bed, I would think that would be a very depressing life. Change it up every now and again. When you break the routine you will find yourself healthier and happier. Now I can hear a lot of people saying to me, I can't afford to do anything different, or I'm too tired after work, etc. Those are things that I said for years, I wasn't happy, and I wasn't finding happiness. Now that isn't the only routine that you can get stuck in. This is the problem, people don't realize that it isn't hard to get trapped by familiarity.
Familiarity is what causes people to stay in bad relationships, it is a very dangerous thing because it sneaks up on us too fast. As I am writing this post, I'm thinking of the dos equis commercial with the most interesting man in the world. He is interesting because he has done so many different things, he has been to a lot of different places. He has things to talk about and stories to tell. If it is the same old same old then you won't be like that.
I have found in my experience, that the more people I meet, the more things I do, the better I feel about myself and about my life. Happiness is something that you have to find inside yourself. The first step, is identify your routine. That could be sitting in front of the TV after work, or going to the same bar and talking to the same people, maybe going to the same group meetings. Step out on a limb, if getting out is hard for you then, go to the park and take a walk in the sunshine. Instead of ordering fast food go to a sit down diner its only a few dollars more than the golden arcs.
Another thing that you can do is get out there and take a class, if you look hard enough you can find opportunities to do stuff that doesn't cost much or not at all. I'm sorry, I know that it is work, but believe me, it is worth it, plus it gets easier as you get to know people. Sometimes, try something that you don't think that you would enjoy just for the sake of trying it out. When I was a kid, I didn't like to eat my vegetables, or anything I didn't know about for that matter, but my dad always told me to "try it, I might like it." If you want to find your life to be fulfilling, you can't know unless you do.
Everyone that I know that suffers with some form of depression, falls into the trap. Don't let yourself get caught in the trap, find happiness, by being as interesting as you can be. You will find that the more things you experience and the more that you do, the more people will like you, and that can lead to all kinds of good things, a happier relationship, a better paying job, more friends, a better life. You only get one time around, go see a few concerts, do stuff you don't like just to say that you did it.
There have been many times that I went and did stuff that I didn't want to do and it ended up good. I went to an Autodesk Users Group meeting and ended up getting a job and meeting a lot of great contacts. I tried debate and loved it, I met girls while doing things I didn't want to, it is just a matter of having the right attitude. I've had great experiences doing some of those things, and sometimes I found that I really enjoyed it. One memory takes me back to July of 1995 when my brother asked me to go to Promise Keepers with him. That ended up being a great time for bonding and an experience that I'll never forget.
You have to allow yourself to do things. Sometimes you won't want to do them, while my friends were in shop, I was in home EC. Well I was glad to be there, cause that's where the girls were. Do things in life that will enrich your life, and don't be scared to try things whether you think you'll like it or not. Take the time to see and do as much as this life has to offer, if you don't your world maybe full of regrets. I don't ever want to look back and say I should have done this or I could have done this. That is one great secret to living a great life, the more you experience, the better it will be.
One of the things I've learned, is that sometimes it is necessary to be a little more exciting in life. Don't fall to a daily grind, no matter how great it seems it will get you down sooner or later. It is necessary to move forward in life, doing the same thing day in and day out is being stagnate. When you are going through a difficult time emotionally it maybe necessary to grind it out for a while, but that isn't conducive to having a great life.
People are attracted to people who do things, if your routine is get up, go to work, come home, sit at the TV and have dinner, then go to bed, I would think that would be a very depressing life. Change it up every now and again. When you break the routine you will find yourself healthier and happier. Now I can hear a lot of people saying to me, I can't afford to do anything different, or I'm too tired after work, etc. Those are things that I said for years, I wasn't happy, and I wasn't finding happiness. Now that isn't the only routine that you can get stuck in. This is the problem, people don't realize that it isn't hard to get trapped by familiarity.
Familiarity is what causes people to stay in bad relationships, it is a very dangerous thing because it sneaks up on us too fast. As I am writing this post, I'm thinking of the dos equis commercial with the most interesting man in the world. He is interesting because he has done so many different things, he has been to a lot of different places. He has things to talk about and stories to tell. If it is the same old same old then you won't be like that.
I have found in my experience, that the more people I meet, the more things I do, the better I feel about myself and about my life. Happiness is something that you have to find inside yourself. The first step, is identify your routine. That could be sitting in front of the TV after work, or going to the same bar and talking to the same people, maybe going to the same group meetings. Step out on a limb, if getting out is hard for you then, go to the park and take a walk in the sunshine. Instead of ordering fast food go to a sit down diner its only a few dollars more than the golden arcs.
Another thing that you can do is get out there and take a class, if you look hard enough you can find opportunities to do stuff that doesn't cost much or not at all. I'm sorry, I know that it is work, but believe me, it is worth it, plus it gets easier as you get to know people. Sometimes, try something that you don't think that you would enjoy just for the sake of trying it out. When I was a kid, I didn't like to eat my vegetables, or anything I didn't know about for that matter, but my dad always told me to "try it, I might like it." If you want to find your life to be fulfilling, you can't know unless you do.
Everyone that I know that suffers with some form of depression, falls into the trap. Don't let yourself get caught in the trap, find happiness, by being as interesting as you can be. You will find that the more things you experience and the more that you do, the more people will like you, and that can lead to all kinds of good things, a happier relationship, a better paying job, more friends, a better life. You only get one time around, go see a few concerts, do stuff you don't like just to say that you did it.
There have been many times that I went and did stuff that I didn't want to do and it ended up good. I went to an Autodesk Users Group meeting and ended up getting a job and meeting a lot of great contacts. I tried debate and loved it, I met girls while doing things I didn't want to, it is just a matter of having the right attitude. I've had great experiences doing some of those things, and sometimes I found that I really enjoyed it. One memory takes me back to July of 1995 when my brother asked me to go to Promise Keepers with him. That ended up being a great time for bonding and an experience that I'll never forget.
You have to allow yourself to do things. Sometimes you won't want to do them, while my friends were in shop, I was in home EC. Well I was glad to be there, cause that's where the girls were. Do things in life that will enrich your life, and don't be scared to try things whether you think you'll like it or not. Take the time to see and do as much as this life has to offer, if you don't your world maybe full of regrets. I don't ever want to look back and say I should have done this or I could have done this. That is one great secret to living a great life, the more you experience, the better it will be.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Forgiveness
I'm writing about something that I have tried to do unsuccessfully over the years and I want to let you know that it hurts. Only forgiving someone half way is a real killer. When people hurt you and you can't forgive them, it will eat you alive, destroying friendships, relationships and more. The stress from holding on to those things is something that can actually reach the ability to crush you and destroy you emotionally. When I faced a person cheating on me, I tried to forgive her. I am a strong man emotionally, but I couldn't handle that. I acted as if it never happened, but it kept coming back up. It seemed like there was nothing I could do to right the ship.
Now many people say forgive and forget, that is only partially right. When you forgive, you don't necessarily have to not do something about it, i fact there should be action to make sure that it doesn't happen again. Letting go is one thing, if you continue to hold on to the hurt then you won't be able to have a normal life. The funny thing is, I've mostly forgiven the people who have cheated on me but it has taken a lot longer than I would have liked. You don't just hand your trust back to those people, when you love someone, you have to have trust, otherwise you may as well be sitting dead in the water. Love is nothing without trust. That's where I started to make my mistakes. I wanted so badly to stay in the relationships, that I didn't do anything about the incidents that happened, and tried to just forget about it.
First off, you have to find out why it happened. No one who is happy with you will intentionally hurt you. That is a fact. So find what you have to do to change your behavior. This is the first step in making sure it doesn't happen again. You can't just laugh it off, many times when we do that we are just trying to bury the issue. You can't do that. Talk it out, make sure the other person knows what they did to hurt you. That is the only way they can truly apologize. I'm not saying you can't lighten the mood, but it is often not possible. When you do this, you have to be calm and talk, not yell, what is going on. I know that whenever my significant other starts becoming angry at me, I start keying in on what she is saying and I (and I really need to quit this) begin playing a tit for tat game. She hates it, in fact all it ends up doing is making us fight harder and longer, causing more hurt feelings and sooner than later, resentment. Don't intake it, let it out.
The next thing you have to do is know why it hurt you, many people in this world are on some sort of medication to help level their mood. I've taken paxil on and off for many years. You can't just cover this stuff up. I can't say that enough, a great life should never include you having to take a handful of happy pills first thing in the morning! Real forgiveness offers this opportunity to step away from these things, it isn't forgotten, it is learned from. When you love someone, forgiveness comes easier, and when you resent them, it is a big deal to get through.
Now is the kicker, you have to decide if the situation can be avoided again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...well you understand what I'm saying to ya. If there is real change, and you can truly forgive them then by all means, continue on the path. Happiness takes patience. If you can't, don't stay in the relationship, part ways, it maybe for a short time, and it may be for good. I've needed to part ways from the past in order to get to the point where I can let go of some of these things. It has left me jaded and scared, but I am a stronger person for it. I have also learned a lot over the years. I saw a sign on Saturday night that said, "Every sixty seconds you spend frustrated, is a minute of happiness that you cannot get back." Love the people that are around you and don't make your decisions based on a fear of being alone.
I can make you a promise, if you remember these things your life will be better. Put your time into something a little more worth it and let go of the pains that others caused you.
Now many people say forgive and forget, that is only partially right. When you forgive, you don't necessarily have to not do something about it, i fact there should be action to make sure that it doesn't happen again. Letting go is one thing, if you continue to hold on to the hurt then you won't be able to have a normal life. The funny thing is, I've mostly forgiven the people who have cheated on me but it has taken a lot longer than I would have liked. You don't just hand your trust back to those people, when you love someone, you have to have trust, otherwise you may as well be sitting dead in the water. Love is nothing without trust. That's where I started to make my mistakes. I wanted so badly to stay in the relationships, that I didn't do anything about the incidents that happened, and tried to just forget about it.
First off, you have to find out why it happened. No one who is happy with you will intentionally hurt you. That is a fact. So find what you have to do to change your behavior. This is the first step in making sure it doesn't happen again. You can't just laugh it off, many times when we do that we are just trying to bury the issue. You can't do that. Talk it out, make sure the other person knows what they did to hurt you. That is the only way they can truly apologize. I'm not saying you can't lighten the mood, but it is often not possible. When you do this, you have to be calm and talk, not yell, what is going on. I know that whenever my significant other starts becoming angry at me, I start keying in on what she is saying and I (and I really need to quit this) begin playing a tit for tat game. She hates it, in fact all it ends up doing is making us fight harder and longer, causing more hurt feelings and sooner than later, resentment. Don't intake it, let it out.
The next thing you have to do is know why it hurt you, many people in this world are on some sort of medication to help level their mood. I've taken paxil on and off for many years. You can't just cover this stuff up. I can't say that enough, a great life should never include you having to take a handful of happy pills first thing in the morning! Real forgiveness offers this opportunity to step away from these things, it isn't forgotten, it is learned from. When you love someone, forgiveness comes easier, and when you resent them, it is a big deal to get through.
Now is the kicker, you have to decide if the situation can be avoided again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...well you understand what I'm saying to ya. If there is real change, and you can truly forgive them then by all means, continue on the path. Happiness takes patience. If you can't, don't stay in the relationship, part ways, it maybe for a short time, and it may be for good. I've needed to part ways from the past in order to get to the point where I can let go of some of these things. It has left me jaded and scared, but I am a stronger person for it. I have also learned a lot over the years. I saw a sign on Saturday night that said, "Every sixty seconds you spend frustrated, is a minute of happiness that you cannot get back." Love the people that are around you and don't make your decisions based on a fear of being alone.
I can make you a promise, if you remember these things your life will be better. Put your time into something a little more worth it and let go of the pains that others caused you.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Apologizing
Today I'm going to tell you about something that I am not necessarily good at. I have said I'm sorry so many times in my life it is ridiculous. The problem I ran into was being sorry wasn't good enough. Now I can see that as being very true, in fact I can think of many times I was saying I was sorry based on an excuse, "I'm sorry I can't help myself..." etc.
This is the problem for so many of us, we say that we are sorry, but either we aren't sure about what to be sorry for or we aren't really sorry. If you want to live a great life it is important to know how to apologize to those you love. It isn't about getting all emotional about it, it is about being humble and knowing what you are saying.
The steps I try to take to an apology start with me figuring out exactly what I'm apologizing for. When doing this you have to realize your own actions, not just the circumstances. You have a choice in how you behave towards another person, and it really is that simple. When you hurt another person you typically are not taking their feelings into consideration. That is easy to do when you get angry or frustrated. Know what it is, if you said something that you shouldn't have then admit it, be prepared to admit that you were wrong.
The next thing you have to do is ask the other party to forgive you. This can be tough. When you do this, you will find that you are laying all the action from that point on to the other person. This takes a great deal of humility and bravery, they may not make the choice to forgive you. The words 'I'm sorry' by themselves carry no weight, they are a knee jerk response. If you never actually say those two words you'll be so much better off. Quit copping out and just do it.
Now here is the most important step, when and if the other party does forgive you, you have to NOT repeat the action that led to the apology in the first place, if you are truly apologizing, then you have to change your behavior. The only person who can change you is you. There is no motivation out there bigger than possibly loosing someone or something you love because you wouldn't change.
Sometimes we don't know that something said or something we do will hurt another person, but that is why we have to apologize the right way and then use it as a learning experience. If you don't know what it is like to have the heart ripped out of your chest then you will never understand what you might have done to the other party. When you do go through it, you will want someone to truly ask you to forgive them.
Next time I'm talking about forgiveness, so stay tuned for part two.
This is the problem for so many of us, we say that we are sorry, but either we aren't sure about what to be sorry for or we aren't really sorry. If you want to live a great life it is important to know how to apologize to those you love. It isn't about getting all emotional about it, it is about being humble and knowing what you are saying.
The steps I try to take to an apology start with me figuring out exactly what I'm apologizing for. When doing this you have to realize your own actions, not just the circumstances. You have a choice in how you behave towards another person, and it really is that simple. When you hurt another person you typically are not taking their feelings into consideration. That is easy to do when you get angry or frustrated. Know what it is, if you said something that you shouldn't have then admit it, be prepared to admit that you were wrong.
The next thing you have to do is ask the other party to forgive you. This can be tough. When you do this, you will find that you are laying all the action from that point on to the other person. This takes a great deal of humility and bravery, they may not make the choice to forgive you. The words 'I'm sorry' by themselves carry no weight, they are a knee jerk response. If you never actually say those two words you'll be so much better off. Quit copping out and just do it.
Now here is the most important step, when and if the other party does forgive you, you have to NOT repeat the action that led to the apology in the first place, if you are truly apologizing, then you have to change your behavior. The only person who can change you is you. There is no motivation out there bigger than possibly loosing someone or something you love because you wouldn't change.
Sometimes we don't know that something said or something we do will hurt another person, but that is why we have to apologize the right way and then use it as a learning experience. If you don't know what it is like to have the heart ripped out of your chest then you will never understand what you might have done to the other party. When you do go through it, you will want someone to truly ask you to forgive them.
Next time I'm talking about forgiveness, so stay tuned for part two.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Pick Your Battles
Too often times you find yourself fighting, whether that be against your freinds, family, your significant other whoever. These fights cause a lot of stress in our lives, and I know that many times they really aren't worth it. I've seen break ups happen over the silliest things, I've seen families destroyed over it. Fights can ruin days, weeks and lives.
When you approach one of these situations you always have the oppertunity to make a choice, I can't sit here and tell you that you can always avoid it, but it is the reactions that you have during the beginning of the fight that depends on the level of drama that is created by it.
Now I hate drama, but it isn't that I haven't had my fair share of it. I don't know how many times I heard my ex-wife say "whatever" and that was always a key word that seemed to turn it on like donkey kong. It was a cop out word, to my ears it almost sounded like "bite me, your not worth comprimising with." That was my issue. The thing that has taken me so long to understand was that at times she was picking not to fight the battle with me. It isn't unlike me saying "Fine".
In fact the word "fine" created a nasty fight between me and my girlfriend this last friday. The fight wasn't worth it, strangely enough about halfway through she asked me why I was fighting her because by tomorrow it wouldn't really matter to me anyway and what was the purpose of hurting her in the process. She was right, I need to think out a little better what my battles that are worth fighting for.
When you love someone sometimes you want them to follow your "advice" sometimes you watch them do things that make you cringe because they aren't doing it the way that may be best, at least in your mind. The reality is we are all people and we have all had diffent experinces in life that creates us as who we are. When we love someone we need to take the time to walk in their shoes. We need to realize what is really worth it, and there is very little in this world that is worth escalating a conversation to a full blown screaming match.
I know that it seems hard to image but when you are living a great life then you won't spend nearly as long fighting with anyone. The fight will be minimized to what is really worth it. You cannot allow someone else to rule your emotions. There will be fights and disagreements in every relationship, but some of them just aren't worth fighting. Everyone comes with baggage, it is a fact, all of us are tainted in some way. We have to choose how we take the pressure of life, we have to agree or disagree, but we don't have to take it to the level of a relationship ending arguement over something that "really won't matter later". I try to use this as a measuring stick when I decide to fight, is it worth running this person out of my life over?
I know that our pride and our tempers have the ability to get in the way of rational thinking, when that happens you better know how to apologize if the answer to the above question was no.
When you approach one of these situations you always have the oppertunity to make a choice, I can't sit here and tell you that you can always avoid it, but it is the reactions that you have during the beginning of the fight that depends on the level of drama that is created by it.
Now I hate drama, but it isn't that I haven't had my fair share of it. I don't know how many times I heard my ex-wife say "whatever" and that was always a key word that seemed to turn it on like donkey kong. It was a cop out word, to my ears it almost sounded like "bite me, your not worth comprimising with." That was my issue. The thing that has taken me so long to understand was that at times she was picking not to fight the battle with me. It isn't unlike me saying "Fine".
In fact the word "fine" created a nasty fight between me and my girlfriend this last friday. The fight wasn't worth it, strangely enough about halfway through she asked me why I was fighting her because by tomorrow it wouldn't really matter to me anyway and what was the purpose of hurting her in the process. She was right, I need to think out a little better what my battles that are worth fighting for.
When you love someone sometimes you want them to follow your "advice" sometimes you watch them do things that make you cringe because they aren't doing it the way that may be best, at least in your mind. The reality is we are all people and we have all had diffent experinces in life that creates us as who we are. When we love someone we need to take the time to walk in their shoes. We need to realize what is really worth it, and there is very little in this world that is worth escalating a conversation to a full blown screaming match.
I know that it seems hard to image but when you are living a great life then you won't spend nearly as long fighting with anyone. The fight will be minimized to what is really worth it. You cannot allow someone else to rule your emotions. There will be fights and disagreements in every relationship, but some of them just aren't worth fighting. Everyone comes with baggage, it is a fact, all of us are tainted in some way. We have to choose how we take the pressure of life, we have to agree or disagree, but we don't have to take it to the level of a relationship ending arguement over something that "really won't matter later". I try to use this as a measuring stick when I decide to fight, is it worth running this person out of my life over?
I know that our pride and our tempers have the ability to get in the way of rational thinking, when that happens you better know how to apologize if the answer to the above question was no.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Trust Me
I have spent the last couple of years since I separated from my ex-wife learning again what it means to truely trust someone again. Trust is a little word that means so much more than anything else. Think about all of your relationships and you will easily find that the best ones all happened while you were able to trust someone else. Trust is something that you give to some and others have to earn. Without trust you cannot have a good relationship with another person.
I will admit I have trust issues...wow big secret huh...Those issues have put a huge damper on my relationship with the woman I've been dating for the last few years. She is great, she is open and honest with me and she is everything I really ever wantedin a woman. The problem is that when I'm not around her the jaded side of me gets the better side. The first thing that we have to accept is that we all have our own lives.
If you are living your life simply trying to make someone else happy, YOU WILL FAIL!!! Most of us do this because of trust. I tried to do this with my ex-wife as our marriage was crumbling, and when the split finally happened, I was miserable, until I started to learn how to live life for myself again. That was only one scenario though. When we start dating a person, we don't spend a lot of time worried about what they are doing, we trust them. Some where along the line we change that way of thinking. Be very careful of this.
I have watched some very successful relationships in my life and one thing I have found is that those successful couples have a fairly common theme, they share their lives together. They have three sets of friends his friends, her friends, and their friends. They have the oppertunity to get away from one another to breathe, but they love spending time with each other. Without it being this way one partner or the other will end up smothering the other one and this could lead to a disaster. Honestly I can admit at times I am guilty as charged.
There are many benefits to this situation in your relationship, if you do everything together all the time there isn't anything to talk about, which leads to a lack of conversation which leads to the break down of a main component of a great relationship and that is communication. So you have room to breathe, you continue having a network of friends who can support you when things go wrong(believe me this is very helpful), you have solid communication, and you have oppertunities to do things that your partner may not appreciate having to do with you. For this to all happen there has to be trust.
Trust is what keeps you out of your partners cell phone, diary, purse, whatever. I have a theory, the second you feel like you have to go through your partners stuff, is the very second that that relationship should be over!!! If you want to have a great life then do not be in a relationship where there isn't that level of trust. Without trust there is no intimacy, there is only the oppertunity for bad feelings to arise. What happens when you do find something? You get heartbroken, or hurt, you are ready to fight. There isn't anything good that comes of it. I will never be flexible on this point ever again, I will not let a relationship continue if there is that level of mistrust.
I have to trust my friends to be there when I need them, I am very fortunate that my freinds are there. I also have a very loving and supportive family, we have our issues, but it doesn't mean that when worse comes to worse that we turn our backs on each other. Trust is a very difficult thing for many people to give away, and deservedly so. I will trust most people until they giveme a reason not to. Real friends will not cross that line, and your family...well you can't just get rid of them so you have to decide what you are going to do about that.
Without trust there isn't love, and without love there isn't trust. Remeber that when you are trying to decide how to really have a great life.
I will admit I have trust issues...wow big secret huh...Those issues have put a huge damper on my relationship with the woman I've been dating for the last few years. She is great, she is open and honest with me and she is everything I really ever wantedin a woman. The problem is that when I'm not around her the jaded side of me gets the better side. The first thing that we have to accept is that we all have our own lives.
If you are living your life simply trying to make someone else happy, YOU WILL FAIL!!! Most of us do this because of trust. I tried to do this with my ex-wife as our marriage was crumbling, and when the split finally happened, I was miserable, until I started to learn how to live life for myself again. That was only one scenario though. When we start dating a person, we don't spend a lot of time worried about what they are doing, we trust them. Some where along the line we change that way of thinking. Be very careful of this.
I have watched some very successful relationships in my life and one thing I have found is that those successful couples have a fairly common theme, they share their lives together. They have three sets of friends his friends, her friends, and their friends. They have the oppertunity to get away from one another to breathe, but they love spending time with each other. Without it being this way one partner or the other will end up smothering the other one and this could lead to a disaster. Honestly I can admit at times I am guilty as charged.
There are many benefits to this situation in your relationship, if you do everything together all the time there isn't anything to talk about, which leads to a lack of conversation which leads to the break down of a main component of a great relationship and that is communication. So you have room to breathe, you continue having a network of friends who can support you when things go wrong(believe me this is very helpful), you have solid communication, and you have oppertunities to do things that your partner may not appreciate having to do with you. For this to all happen there has to be trust.
Trust is what keeps you out of your partners cell phone, diary, purse, whatever. I have a theory, the second you feel like you have to go through your partners stuff, is the very second that that relationship should be over!!! If you want to have a great life then do not be in a relationship where there isn't that level of trust. Without trust there is no intimacy, there is only the oppertunity for bad feelings to arise. What happens when you do find something? You get heartbroken, or hurt, you are ready to fight. There isn't anything good that comes of it. I will never be flexible on this point ever again, I will not let a relationship continue if there is that level of mistrust.
I have to trust my friends to be there when I need them, I am very fortunate that my freinds are there. I also have a very loving and supportive family, we have our issues, but it doesn't mean that when worse comes to worse that we turn our backs on each other. Trust is a very difficult thing for many people to give away, and deservedly so. I will trust most people until they giveme a reason not to. Real friends will not cross that line, and your family...well you can't just get rid of them so you have to decide what you are going to do about that.
Without trust there isn't love, and without love there isn't trust. Remeber that when you are trying to decide how to really have a great life.
Monday, February 20, 2012
The best things in life
I know that I sound like someone who likes instant gratification. I've mentioned going after what you want and making things happen, but the reality is not everything that makes a great life is something that just happens over night.
I remember when I was a kid saving my money from my birthday and mowing yards and tossing papers to buy a Nintendo Entertainment System. It was the first time I really waited and saved for anything. The funny part of it was that I hid the money from myself so I wouldn't spend it. I ended up losing over one hundred dollars for quite a while, in fact it was a couple of months until the year ended and I pulled my calender down and the money that I had lost fell out.
I went and bought my NES and I felt really good about the fact that I had bought it, it quickly became my most prized possesion and I spent a lot of time playing it, making sure that I beat every game that I could lay my hands on. I tell you that to make this point, some things in life are worth waiting for.
Love is one of those things. You cannot just jump in to the relationships that you would truly want by jumping in to them. You have to take your time finding that right person, someone who will enhance your life, not that you have to live for, someone you want to do anything for. Real love is something that cannot be faked, and it is something that is very true.
When you work hard to accomplish something if feels good to finally get it. The relationship that you wait for, will be something that you will cherish and enjoy when you finally have it. Sometimes it is worth the wait.
Now there is a point that needs to be said, it is one thing to wait on someone, and another to put your life on hold for someone. Live life while waiting on those things that are worth waiting, never stop moving forward. This is the thing I m really trying to point out that when you don't live your life you can't enjoy the gift you are given. If you don't live your life then you are doomed to ruin the things that you are waiting for. Things can be great, but you will be let down if you have all of your eggs in one basket.
I am not a patient person, but I do know the value in holding on to someone who is really worth it. Just make sure that it is worth it, don't wait for something that you like, wait for something that you love. Never try to change a person, the only thing that you can change is yourself.
I remember when I was a kid saving my money from my birthday and mowing yards and tossing papers to buy a Nintendo Entertainment System. It was the first time I really waited and saved for anything. The funny part of it was that I hid the money from myself so I wouldn't spend it. I ended up losing over one hundred dollars for quite a while, in fact it was a couple of months until the year ended and I pulled my calender down and the money that I had lost fell out.
I went and bought my NES and I felt really good about the fact that I had bought it, it quickly became my most prized possesion and I spent a lot of time playing it, making sure that I beat every game that I could lay my hands on. I tell you that to make this point, some things in life are worth waiting for.
Love is one of those things. You cannot just jump in to the relationships that you would truly want by jumping in to them. You have to take your time finding that right person, someone who will enhance your life, not that you have to live for, someone you want to do anything for. Real love is something that cannot be faked, and it is something that is very true.
When you work hard to accomplish something if feels good to finally get it. The relationship that you wait for, will be something that you will cherish and enjoy when you finally have it. Sometimes it is worth the wait.
Now there is a point that needs to be said, it is one thing to wait on someone, and another to put your life on hold for someone. Live life while waiting on those things that are worth waiting, never stop moving forward. This is the thing I m really trying to point out that when you don't live your life you can't enjoy the gift you are given. If you don't live your life then you are doomed to ruin the things that you are waiting for. Things can be great, but you will be let down if you have all of your eggs in one basket.
I am not a patient person, but I do know the value in holding on to someone who is really worth it. Just make sure that it is worth it, don't wait for something that you like, wait for something that you love. Never try to change a person, the only thing that you can change is yourself.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Go for it
I've been thinking for a while about what I should really say. There are so many things I want to accomplish and there are so many things that seem to stand in the way. Well its time that I stop allowing things to stop me from accomplishing what I want to do. Too many people let little things stop them from doing the big things they want to accomplish or do. When thinking of this I think of the movie the bucket list. A man on his death bed makes a list of all the things he wants to do before he dies. Why do we have to wait until we are dying before we try to get all that stuff done. That is why so many things that I have mentioned on this blog are so important.
When my daughter was born I fell in love with that little girl, it facinated me that I was a father, and she didn't have to do anything to earn my love. This is a beutiful statement, but the matter of the fact is that I started putting off things after she was born. She wasn't in the way, she didn't stop me, I just didn't do them. Yes there is a thing called priorities, the problem that I had was that I never made myself a priority, I wanted to make everyone else happy and quietly on the inside I started resenting everyone that was in the way. It wasn't anyone but myself who was really in the way.
How often do we get in the way of ourselves. What makes it worse is that we blame it on other people. My ex-wife really took a beating on this subject. I spent too much time saying no to things that I wanted to do when in reality I needed to just talk with her about these things. I'm not saying over do it and spite everything else, I am saying just don't let it stop you from at least trying. For years I have said that I wanted to study a new martial art. I wouldn't do it because I was always making excuses of why I couldn't, I was too fat, I was too old, I was too busy. These statements were just excuses to my reality. To say that my ex-wife didn't want me to do it may have been true, but I never talked to her about it, she may have loved me doing it, the excersize that I would have gotten and the health benefits would have done wonders for my body and my self esteem, just like it is doing for me now.
Another example of just going for it that I have seen in my life is when a guy is interested in a girl or vice versa. Many times nothing happens between the two people, but not because there isn't any chemistry, but because there isn't even a chance for chemistry to happen. How are you supposed to find your perfect match if you don't try. Many people are afraid of rejection, but the reality is that you won't always be rejected. I know it hurts to ask a girl out for dinner and she says no, it like she says to you, that she finds you so vile she won't even have a free meal with you, I know thats messed up. But I do know that I never took a girl out without approaching her and at least saying hi.
But that is so common across the board that it is painful. So many people give up because they are afraid of rejection. Rejection is something that happens to even the best of us. But it is part of life. There are some levels of rejection that are tougher than others, divorce is a big pill to swallow, when you are going through a divorce often times you feel like the person who promised never to turn their back on you, to be by your side for the remainder of your lives, is giving you the ultimate form of rejection. I know this feeling, but I don't live with this feeling. I believe that marriage is a very serious commitment, something that no one should ever take lightly, but the reality is you never know the circumstances that cause a divorce until you go through it yourself. The reality is that it doesn't matter how much game you have or if you are good looking, or have a lot of money, the thing that really matters is that you are just being you.
Being you is very hard if you aren't trying to do the things for yourself that you need to do. You can't love yourself, or appreciate life if you don't do these things. It even makes it hard to find out what you want if you don't go after it. You will never know what you are good at or what you love if you never do it. How often times I have met people who sit there and say I wish I had done this or that and carry the regret their whole life because they weren't willing to try. Live life because we only get one shot at it,
It reminds me of a poem I once read on a sign, about how the man never drank, never smoked, and he really didn't do anything, and when he died his insurance wouldn't pay because he never really lived. If you want to have a great life then you have to live, just sitting on the couch and living through the screen in front of you isn't really living. Do something with yourself, don't wait on everything else to fall into place make it happen. One of my favorite movie quotes is spoken by Andy Dufresne (played by Tim Robbins) in The Shawshank Redemption is "Get busy living, or get busy dying".
When my daughter was born I fell in love with that little girl, it facinated me that I was a father, and she didn't have to do anything to earn my love. This is a beutiful statement, but the matter of the fact is that I started putting off things after she was born. She wasn't in the way, she didn't stop me, I just didn't do them. Yes there is a thing called priorities, the problem that I had was that I never made myself a priority, I wanted to make everyone else happy and quietly on the inside I started resenting everyone that was in the way. It wasn't anyone but myself who was really in the way.
How often do we get in the way of ourselves. What makes it worse is that we blame it on other people. My ex-wife really took a beating on this subject. I spent too much time saying no to things that I wanted to do when in reality I needed to just talk with her about these things. I'm not saying over do it and spite everything else, I am saying just don't let it stop you from at least trying. For years I have said that I wanted to study a new martial art. I wouldn't do it because I was always making excuses of why I couldn't, I was too fat, I was too old, I was too busy. These statements were just excuses to my reality. To say that my ex-wife didn't want me to do it may have been true, but I never talked to her about it, she may have loved me doing it, the excersize that I would have gotten and the health benefits would have done wonders for my body and my self esteem, just like it is doing for me now.
Another example of just going for it that I have seen in my life is when a guy is interested in a girl or vice versa. Many times nothing happens between the two people, but not because there isn't any chemistry, but because there isn't even a chance for chemistry to happen. How are you supposed to find your perfect match if you don't try. Many people are afraid of rejection, but the reality is that you won't always be rejected. I know it hurts to ask a girl out for dinner and she says no, it like she says to you, that she finds you so vile she won't even have a free meal with you, I know thats messed up. But I do know that I never took a girl out without approaching her and at least saying hi.
But that is so common across the board that it is painful. So many people give up because they are afraid of rejection. Rejection is something that happens to even the best of us. But it is part of life. There are some levels of rejection that are tougher than others, divorce is a big pill to swallow, when you are going through a divorce often times you feel like the person who promised never to turn their back on you, to be by your side for the remainder of your lives, is giving you the ultimate form of rejection. I know this feeling, but I don't live with this feeling. I believe that marriage is a very serious commitment, something that no one should ever take lightly, but the reality is you never know the circumstances that cause a divorce until you go through it yourself. The reality is that it doesn't matter how much game you have or if you are good looking, or have a lot of money, the thing that really matters is that you are just being you.
Being you is very hard if you aren't trying to do the things for yourself that you need to do. You can't love yourself, or appreciate life if you don't do these things. It even makes it hard to find out what you want if you don't go after it. You will never know what you are good at or what you love if you never do it. How often times I have met people who sit there and say I wish I had done this or that and carry the regret their whole life because they weren't willing to try. Live life because we only get one shot at it,
It reminds me of a poem I once read on a sign, about how the man never drank, never smoked, and he really didn't do anything, and when he died his insurance wouldn't pay because he never really lived. If you want to have a great life then you have to live, just sitting on the couch and living through the screen in front of you isn't really living. Do something with yourself, don't wait on everything else to fall into place make it happen. One of my favorite movie quotes is spoken by Andy Dufresne (played by Tim Robbins) in The Shawshank Redemption is "Get busy living, or get busy dying".
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Cleaning out the Closet
When you are trying to live the great life that you desire you have to pay attention to the relationships that you keep. There are two types of negative relationships that you really need to shed if you are to be able to take your life to the next level. Sometimes it is very hard to get rid of relationships that you have already invested a lot of yourself into.
As I look back into my past there have been a lot of relationships that I've dealt with as being one sided. This is a relationship that is beneficial to one party and not to the other. These people aren't bad people, they just don't give back to the relationship. These relationships can be very hard to identify because most of the time these are people who have been around along time and may have never done anything wrong to you. "Don't bite the hand that feeds you." Words to live by when you are one of these people. Some times they do things that is beneficial to them, but describe it as something that they did for you.
I personally had difficulty realizing how much these relationships were effecting me. I would make the attempt over and over to get them to realize that the door needed to swing both ways and it wouldn't happen. I would spend a lot of time being frustrated because things wouldn't change. You CAN NOT change a person, if you are spending a lot of time anyone, a friend, a significant other, or a relative, you have to remember this just isn't possible. That is why you have to sever the tie so they don't have the ability to drag you down.
I know it is hard to sever the tie with family, that is why you have to minimize the damage by removing other negative relationships completely. You can reduce the situation by limiting your exposure to those people. I'm not saying that you just don't care about these people, you just create distance so you can move forward.
The other type is the relationships you have with people who are always negative. Sometimes it is good for a friend to help you look at both sides of a situation when you are making choices, but there are times when they should just be supportive. Some people are just negative all the time and these people can really drag you down. This can be a touchy subject, because all of us have times that this happens to us. Here again I'm not saying don't not care about those people but create distance from them. You don't need someone always telling you that you can't do something that you want to do.
The negativity that can be brought from these two types of relationships can be very difficult to cope with. Don't let other people bring you down, frankly I asked people to just get on board with the things that I am doing or get off the train. That is where the title of this blog came from, I personally am not going to let people hold me back. Good friends are something that we need to gather around us and the others we need to at least hold at arms distance.
The next post I will talk about those friends, but for now it is time to just clean out the closet.
As I look back into my past there have been a lot of relationships that I've dealt with as being one sided. This is a relationship that is beneficial to one party and not to the other. These people aren't bad people, they just don't give back to the relationship. These relationships can be very hard to identify because most of the time these are people who have been around along time and may have never done anything wrong to you. "Don't bite the hand that feeds you." Words to live by when you are one of these people. Some times they do things that is beneficial to them, but describe it as something that they did for you.
I personally had difficulty realizing how much these relationships were effecting me. I would make the attempt over and over to get them to realize that the door needed to swing both ways and it wouldn't happen. I would spend a lot of time being frustrated because things wouldn't change. You CAN NOT change a person, if you are spending a lot of time anyone, a friend, a significant other, or a relative, you have to remember this just isn't possible. That is why you have to sever the tie so they don't have the ability to drag you down.
I know it is hard to sever the tie with family, that is why you have to minimize the damage by removing other negative relationships completely. You can reduce the situation by limiting your exposure to those people. I'm not saying that you just don't care about these people, you just create distance so you can move forward.
The other type is the relationships you have with people who are always negative. Sometimes it is good for a friend to help you look at both sides of a situation when you are making choices, but there are times when they should just be supportive. Some people are just negative all the time and these people can really drag you down. This can be a touchy subject, because all of us have times that this happens to us. Here again I'm not saying don't not care about those people but create distance from them. You don't need someone always telling you that you can't do something that you want to do.
The negativity that can be brought from these two types of relationships can be very difficult to cope with. Don't let other people bring you down, frankly I asked people to just get on board with the things that I am doing or get off the train. That is where the title of this blog came from, I personally am not going to let people hold me back. Good friends are something that we need to gather around us and the others we need to at least hold at arms distance.
The next post I will talk about those friends, but for now it is time to just clean out the closet.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Why men arn't men
My instructor at Premier Martial Arts said that a fighter who wasn't afraid isn't a good fighter. The matter of the fact is I've been talking about doing what you would do if you weren't afraid that doesn't mean don't be afraid. That is the first thing that hinders a man from being a man. So often times we as men are expected to not have emotions. This is a tremendous fallacy in our thinking.
Part of being a man is actually being able to have emotion. The difference is what we do with them. We have a choice as we go through life to decide what we do about our emotions. It isn't a feminine trait to love. In my life my friend and family are the most important people to me. They are the one that have helped me through my dilemmas in life.
Love is the thing that inspires passion, and passion is what truly drives a revolution. Men who aren't afraid to be passionate are the one who are leaders. Think of the men who we see as real men. The thing about passion is that it brings out the primeval traits in us as men. Men are willing to fight for women, they are willing to fight for those who can't do it for themselves, and they are willing to fight for what they believe.
Braveheart is a good portrayal of a man, William Wallace, who started a revolution based on his love of his wife and then his belief that all men should be free. When he was making the decision to be a farmer before his wife was killed did that make him any less of a man? No it showed him standing up for what he believed in. When I think back to the men who went to war, especially in World War on and Two I think of men who were willing to give everything to something that they believed. This doesn't mean that we have to fight to be men.
When we choose to just go with the flow as opposed to standing on our own personal beliefs we actually effeminate ourselves. The value of a real man is standing by those we love in times of crisis, and allowing ourselves to truly believe in our own abilities. When I lost my passion and my drive I found myself looking in the mirror and not actually recognizing myself. I hated my life and I knew that I had to do something to change it.
I needed to reevaluate the things that drive me. I found that I had lost passion, inspiration, or whatever because I has buried the negative feelings so much that I couldn't allow myself to keep anything positive from doing much more than just bouncing off the surface. The first thing that I did was I decided that I was going to move forward in life and I would shed off anything that wasn't going to help me get to the life that I wanted (more about that later). I knew that I had to allow my emotions to work for me and I had to get rid of the negative.
I have actually had people that I've cared about tell me to be thicker skinned and go with the flow, but that isn't being a man. Being a man means that you have a self identity, you react upon your emotions in the best way you can and you always move forward trying to get to the life that you want. I can tell you that every persons goals are different and there is value in every ones goals. The sad thing is that I know a lot of women who are more manly than some men that I know.
See what you want and go after it. The hardest things in life to get are the things that we value the most. The thing that a real man does is that he doesn't give up on anything that he is passionate about. A real man has passion for his children, for his family and for his friends. My friends are people that I will do anything in my power to get them through a situation, whether I agree with them going through it or not. I will give them my opinion. If I am not willing to offer you advice I probably don't care, or I've already offered it and I feel as though I am wasting my breath.
A real man should want to be free. Starting a fight that has no purpose is useless and it isn't being a man. Pick your battles, save your fight for what you actually are passionate about, not just a whim. I remember back in high school when there would be fights break out over some girl. The funny thing is that neither of those guys ended up with the girl. People will hurt us and that is why it isn't worth fighting those fights. On the other hand, just lay a hand on one of my children and see what happens. Great men can recognize this.
The things that make a real man are the passion in their heart and the willingness to fight for what they believe in. As quoted in the Gambler 'You gotta know when to hold em and know when to fold them'. Let your emotions drive you not to do the things that are negative, but the things that will make you great and that is how you become a real man.
There is passion inside of every man the question is what is it and what do you do with it. And there is a very real fact that is underlying in this, every man wants to leave their mark in this world, you can only do this by being passionate and then doing something with this passion. That is the first step in becoming a real man.
Part of being a man is actually being able to have emotion. The difference is what we do with them. We have a choice as we go through life to decide what we do about our emotions. It isn't a feminine trait to love. In my life my friend and family are the most important people to me. They are the one that have helped me through my dilemmas in life.
Love is the thing that inspires passion, and passion is what truly drives a revolution. Men who aren't afraid to be passionate are the one who are leaders. Think of the men who we see as real men. The thing about passion is that it brings out the primeval traits in us as men. Men are willing to fight for women, they are willing to fight for those who can't do it for themselves, and they are willing to fight for what they believe.
Braveheart is a good portrayal of a man, William Wallace, who started a revolution based on his love of his wife and then his belief that all men should be free. When he was making the decision to be a farmer before his wife was killed did that make him any less of a man? No it showed him standing up for what he believed in. When I think back to the men who went to war, especially in World War on and Two I think of men who were willing to give everything to something that they believed. This doesn't mean that we have to fight to be men.
When we choose to just go with the flow as opposed to standing on our own personal beliefs we actually effeminate ourselves. The value of a real man is standing by those we love in times of crisis, and allowing ourselves to truly believe in our own abilities. When I lost my passion and my drive I found myself looking in the mirror and not actually recognizing myself. I hated my life and I knew that I had to do something to change it.
I needed to reevaluate the things that drive me. I found that I had lost passion, inspiration, or whatever because I has buried the negative feelings so much that I couldn't allow myself to keep anything positive from doing much more than just bouncing off the surface. The first thing that I did was I decided that I was going to move forward in life and I would shed off anything that wasn't going to help me get to the life that I wanted (more about that later). I knew that I had to allow my emotions to work for me and I had to get rid of the negative.
I have actually had people that I've cared about tell me to be thicker skinned and go with the flow, but that isn't being a man. Being a man means that you have a self identity, you react upon your emotions in the best way you can and you always move forward trying to get to the life that you want. I can tell you that every persons goals are different and there is value in every ones goals. The sad thing is that I know a lot of women who are more manly than some men that I know.
See what you want and go after it. The hardest things in life to get are the things that we value the most. The thing that a real man does is that he doesn't give up on anything that he is passionate about. A real man has passion for his children, for his family and for his friends. My friends are people that I will do anything in my power to get them through a situation, whether I agree with them going through it or not. I will give them my opinion. If I am not willing to offer you advice I probably don't care, or I've already offered it and I feel as though I am wasting my breath.
A real man should want to be free. Starting a fight that has no purpose is useless and it isn't being a man. Pick your battles, save your fight for what you actually are passionate about, not just a whim. I remember back in high school when there would be fights break out over some girl. The funny thing is that neither of those guys ended up with the girl. People will hurt us and that is why it isn't worth fighting those fights. On the other hand, just lay a hand on one of my children and see what happens. Great men can recognize this.
The things that make a real man are the passion in their heart and the willingness to fight for what they believe in. As quoted in the Gambler 'You gotta know when to hold em and know when to fold them'. Let your emotions drive you not to do the things that are negative, but the things that will make you great and that is how you become a real man.
There is passion inside of every man the question is what is it and what do you do with it. And there is a very real fact that is underlying in this, every man wants to leave their mark in this world, you can only do this by being passionate and then doing something with this passion. That is the first step in becoming a real man.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Fear
Fear, it is a word that many of us don't consider unless we are talking about our own personal safety. But it is one of those things that can stop us from reaching greatness. Fear can cause us paralysis. The definition of that word is "the loss of muscle function for one or more muscles". The difference between this definition and the meaning I'm placing behind it is the question of how permanent it is.
Our emotions can get in the way of what we are trying to do. Of course the result of this is negative. While talking to a friend of mine he mentioned that he wasn't happy in his current relationship. I asked him why he stayed if he felt that it wasn't right for him. He told me in essence he didn't want to be alone. This feeling was very familiar to me, several years ago I wasn't happy in my marriage, of course neither was my wife. In fact she was so unhappy with the situation, the first man she allowed to show her any attention she ended up stepping out on me with. It's not like I didn't show her any attention, but I resented her because I had lost who I was, I had tried too long to be someone I wasn't. I should have left at this point but I couldn't, I was afraid of being alone, I was afraid of losing my identity as a husband, I was afraid of everything else I would lose.
I tried to convince myself that the best thing to do was to be a better husband, mind you I didn't say a better me. in my mind I wasn't being a good enough husband and that is the reason she stepped out. This has been a thought that haunted me for years. I tried harder and harder to be the best husband I could be. The deeper I got into the situation the more I lost myself. The more time went by and the harder I tried I was less in a relationship and more the relationship. Now this may not make sense to everyone, but be assured it will. I gave and gave to the situation, and I started giving up all of the activities that made me who I was. I litterally became a shell of the man I was when I was graduating from college.
I started doing everything I thought that she wanted me to do, remember it was what I thought. I did that so she didn't have to ask for anything, and in reality when she was asking she was asking for me to be who I was, but that didn't compute. Fear was really driving me in this, I was afraid that I wasn't going to be good enough for anyone if I wasn't good enough for this woman who had pledged her life to me.
Too many men do this in relationships, the resentment that is caused by fear can make us be people that we really arn't. We arn't happy, but we are too afraid to do anything different so we settle. This happens many times to people in jobs as well. We get overly comfortable in the place we are at and we don't actually do the things that we really want to do. The other side of this coin is that we don't feel like we are good enough to do the things we really want. This economy sucks, many people say that they want to do this or that, but they don't. It is safer to stay at a job you don't like than it is to try something new or risky. The logic is sound, but have you ever heard of someone doing something great without making a few risky decisions.
Every person should have some sort of goal to love what they do and go after it. That is a real career, and that is how you become great at doing something. Jobs are meant to be the vehicle to get us to that point, no one who starts working in fast food has any real intention of making a career out of it. Some people are just built to do that kind of work and others arn't. It is a matter of being able to manage your situation and not being afraid of what the future might hold.
The book Who Moved My Cheese? by Dr. Spencer Johnson was very pivital in allowing me to realize that I needed to move passed my fears and be the man that I am. The question, "What would I do if I wasn't afraid?" is a question that all of us should consider when becoming the people that we need to be. FDR once said "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." This is really true in everything that we do. We can't be afraid to dream or go after those dreams. Sure at times there is a lot to risk, but the reality is without the downs you don't get the ups, and that is why so many of us don't feel good about ourselves.
This weekend I'm going to write a post that should interest many people, especially men.
Our emotions can get in the way of what we are trying to do. Of course the result of this is negative. While talking to a friend of mine he mentioned that he wasn't happy in his current relationship. I asked him why he stayed if he felt that it wasn't right for him. He told me in essence he didn't want to be alone. This feeling was very familiar to me, several years ago I wasn't happy in my marriage, of course neither was my wife. In fact she was so unhappy with the situation, the first man she allowed to show her any attention she ended up stepping out on me with. It's not like I didn't show her any attention, but I resented her because I had lost who I was, I had tried too long to be someone I wasn't. I should have left at this point but I couldn't, I was afraid of being alone, I was afraid of losing my identity as a husband, I was afraid of everything else I would lose.
I tried to convince myself that the best thing to do was to be a better husband, mind you I didn't say a better me. in my mind I wasn't being a good enough husband and that is the reason she stepped out. This has been a thought that haunted me for years. I tried harder and harder to be the best husband I could be. The deeper I got into the situation the more I lost myself. The more time went by and the harder I tried I was less in a relationship and more the relationship. Now this may not make sense to everyone, but be assured it will. I gave and gave to the situation, and I started giving up all of the activities that made me who I was. I litterally became a shell of the man I was when I was graduating from college.
I started doing everything I thought that she wanted me to do, remember it was what I thought. I did that so she didn't have to ask for anything, and in reality when she was asking she was asking for me to be who I was, but that didn't compute. Fear was really driving me in this, I was afraid that I wasn't going to be good enough for anyone if I wasn't good enough for this woman who had pledged her life to me.
Too many men do this in relationships, the resentment that is caused by fear can make us be people that we really arn't. We arn't happy, but we are too afraid to do anything different so we settle. This happens many times to people in jobs as well. We get overly comfortable in the place we are at and we don't actually do the things that we really want to do. The other side of this coin is that we don't feel like we are good enough to do the things we really want. This economy sucks, many people say that they want to do this or that, but they don't. It is safer to stay at a job you don't like than it is to try something new or risky. The logic is sound, but have you ever heard of someone doing something great without making a few risky decisions.
Every person should have some sort of goal to love what they do and go after it. That is a real career, and that is how you become great at doing something. Jobs are meant to be the vehicle to get us to that point, no one who starts working in fast food has any real intention of making a career out of it. Some people are just built to do that kind of work and others arn't. It is a matter of being able to manage your situation and not being afraid of what the future might hold.
The book Who Moved My Cheese? by Dr. Spencer Johnson was very pivital in allowing me to realize that I needed to move passed my fears and be the man that I am. The question, "What would I do if I wasn't afraid?" is a question that all of us should consider when becoming the people that we need to be. FDR once said "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." This is really true in everything that we do. We can't be afraid to dream or go after those dreams. Sure at times there is a lot to risk, but the reality is without the downs you don't get the ups, and that is why so many of us don't feel good about ourselves.
This weekend I'm going to write a post that should interest many people, especially men.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
The Beginning
To so many people there has become a lack of understanding of who we are. In my own personal examination I see somethings that I can change and others I won't change. The real question is who am I? To have an identity is important, it is more important to have self identity. We are a product of our own lives and the experiences that we live through are what make us who we are. The reality is, that too often we try to become what someone else wants us to be.
This is where my downfall starts, when I got married I was a man who didn't let any part of life (within my control) not pass me by. I tried everything that I possibly could. I had just graduated from college, and some of the greatest experiences of my life were had while I was there. In college I was in a band, I joined a fraternity, I was in student Government and other organizations, I worked a lot of different job, went on road trips, etc. I did everything I could, I didn't want to have any regrets based on not doing something. Then I got married and soon after my oldest daughter was conceived. I was a man among boys and living a life that I thought was normal.
I won't ever regret the birth of any of my children, but what I do regret, was losing myself identity. I started basing my pride on who I was to other people. I was a Dad and a husband, but to myself I didn't see what I was. I took pride in being those things. When I started putting my pride in being those two things I started trying to make myself into someone that those sets of people would be proud of.
We all have titles in out relationships, whether spoken or not. but our relationships though they provide an identity do not define us. I always heard my father say that "you have to find happiness within yourself." That statement is very true, but in retrospect I didn't hear those words for what they really meant.
"Just be yourself" that is the hardest thing in the world to accomplish when you don't know who that is. One of the things that attracted my now ex wife and so many former flames is that I knew exactly who that was and I was that person. The reason that so many of those relationships ended was because I quickly forgot who that was. I will mention often the difference between mediocre and great, because my goal is to help others while I myself work towards having that great life that we dream about as we are going through our young lives.
Right now I will tell you there is an easy way to have a mediocre life, SETTLE!!! If all you want is to have the same mundane life as millions of other people that is all you have to do. I know I have done it too often. To have a great life is a bit more difficult but is far more worth it. My life in the last five years has been mediocre at best, there have been great things happen, but there has been a lot of bad.
The first step to figuring out who you are is to determine what you want. If I had a dollar for every time I said that I want to do this or I wish I had done that over the last several years I would be a rich man. The first thing I had to realize was something very simple and it came in a conversation with my friend Bryan. The thing I said was that I didn't want to end up a bitter old man because of the things I didn't do.
Not doing the things we want creates a very negative and stagnate environment. It causes bitterness and hatred, often times being something that effects what goes on inside of us. I am all too aware of how this works. What made me, me when I was in college was that I made decisions based on what I wanted to do. College was filled with opportunities and I tried everything I could.
I guess the advice that I am offering is identify what you want and at least try it. Without the try you will never know. This is easier said than done, but that is what leads me into tomorrows topic of fear.
This is where my downfall starts, when I got married I was a man who didn't let any part of life (within my control) not pass me by. I tried everything that I possibly could. I had just graduated from college, and some of the greatest experiences of my life were had while I was there. In college I was in a band, I joined a fraternity, I was in student Government and other organizations, I worked a lot of different job, went on road trips, etc. I did everything I could, I didn't want to have any regrets based on not doing something. Then I got married and soon after my oldest daughter was conceived. I was a man among boys and living a life that I thought was normal.
I won't ever regret the birth of any of my children, but what I do regret, was losing myself identity. I started basing my pride on who I was to other people. I was a Dad and a husband, but to myself I didn't see what I was. I took pride in being those things. When I started putting my pride in being those two things I started trying to make myself into someone that those sets of people would be proud of.
We all have titles in out relationships, whether spoken or not. but our relationships though they provide an identity do not define us. I always heard my father say that "you have to find happiness within yourself." That statement is very true, but in retrospect I didn't hear those words for what they really meant.
"Just be yourself" that is the hardest thing in the world to accomplish when you don't know who that is. One of the things that attracted my now ex wife and so many former flames is that I knew exactly who that was and I was that person. The reason that so many of those relationships ended was because I quickly forgot who that was. I will mention often the difference between mediocre and great, because my goal is to help others while I myself work towards having that great life that we dream about as we are going through our young lives.
Right now I will tell you there is an easy way to have a mediocre life, SETTLE!!! If all you want is to have the same mundane life as millions of other people that is all you have to do. I know I have done it too often. To have a great life is a bit more difficult but is far more worth it. My life in the last five years has been mediocre at best, there have been great things happen, but there has been a lot of bad.
The first step to figuring out who you are is to determine what you want. If I had a dollar for every time I said that I want to do this or I wish I had done that over the last several years I would be a rich man. The first thing I had to realize was something very simple and it came in a conversation with my friend Bryan. The thing I said was that I didn't want to end up a bitter old man because of the things I didn't do.
Not doing the things we want creates a very negative and stagnate environment. It causes bitterness and hatred, often times being something that effects what goes on inside of us. I am all too aware of how this works. What made me, me when I was in college was that I made decisions based on what I wanted to do. College was filled with opportunities and I tried everything I could.
I guess the advice that I am offering is identify what you want and at least try it. Without the try you will never know. This is easier said than done, but that is what leads me into tomorrows topic of fear.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Just the beginning
I have written blogs before on many different topics, but this is the first time I've actually placed some of my philosophies and secrets on line. I'm actually going to cover a wide variety of topics, depending on what sparks my creativity that particular day.
I hope that you want to follow me in this journey of self discovery and I hope that you will ask questions. Just to let you know who I am, I have many titles, including father, ex husband, drafter, mentor, teacher, etc.
Like many people out there in the world I am a regular guy just trying to make it in this life. I have responcibilities, dreams and desires. I have started working on writing a book and I want to use this blog as a sounding board from all who read and follow the things I say.
The book is going to be something that I hope will help many, based on the true stories (funny or sad as they may be) of me and some of my best friends in the world. I will change the names to protect the innocent. My friends are like my family they know how much I care about them and they me. With the book though it is also a collection of the advice I've given and the thoughts that were handed to me by others.
I won't sit here and tell you that my life has been cupcakes and candy. I have certinly made my fair share of mistakes. I have missed my fair share of oppertunities to make my life exactly what I wanted it to be. This is the beginning of my journey, and I will talk about topics from how to find the woman your dreams to how to find yourself.
That was a topic I had to work on a great many years before realizing that I knew what I know, but that will be the next post. You will learn a lot about me, and it is a good thing I don't worry too much about what people think of me because many of you will be quite shocked. But if you are reading this I want you to subscribe and tell me what you think, I'll do my best to respond to the things you say, the question is will it be here or in the book. I'm setting a goal to have my first book written and at a publisher by........May. That is quite a goal and that will keep me very busy. Lets just hope this old POS computer can hold out that long.
If you are reading this and you think that what I have to say is interesting, tell your friends and family about it. I won't promise you'll like everything I say, but it will be all me. This is unedited, and no holds barred so enjoy.
I hope that you want to follow me in this journey of self discovery and I hope that you will ask questions. Just to let you know who I am, I have many titles, including father, ex husband, drafter, mentor, teacher, etc.
Like many people out there in the world I am a regular guy just trying to make it in this life. I have responcibilities, dreams and desires. I have started working on writing a book and I want to use this blog as a sounding board from all who read and follow the things I say.
The book is going to be something that I hope will help many, based on the true stories (funny or sad as they may be) of me and some of my best friends in the world. I will change the names to protect the innocent. My friends are like my family they know how much I care about them and they me. With the book though it is also a collection of the advice I've given and the thoughts that were handed to me by others.
I won't sit here and tell you that my life has been cupcakes and candy. I have certinly made my fair share of mistakes. I have missed my fair share of oppertunities to make my life exactly what I wanted it to be. This is the beginning of my journey, and I will talk about topics from how to find the woman your dreams to how to find yourself.
That was a topic I had to work on a great many years before realizing that I knew what I know, but that will be the next post. You will learn a lot about me, and it is a good thing I don't worry too much about what people think of me because many of you will be quite shocked. But if you are reading this I want you to subscribe and tell me what you think, I'll do my best to respond to the things you say, the question is will it be here or in the book. I'm setting a goal to have my first book written and at a publisher by........May. That is quite a goal and that will keep me very busy. Lets just hope this old POS computer can hold out that long.
If you are reading this and you think that what I have to say is interesting, tell your friends and family about it. I won't promise you'll like everything I say, but it will be all me. This is unedited, and no holds barred so enjoy.
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